From time to time, I would forget the reason of being here. I would start to reminisce about the past that has long gone, wish today to end soon and tomorrow never come. Whenever I am struck by this vicious loop, more often then not, I would just simply let the depression take over without any defense. But whenever I can collect myself together, I would light a cigarette, turn up my music, mount my bike and ride to the river. I love to sit besides the ever-running Rhein, seeing all the aircraft passing over my head and try to recognise to which company they belongs to, from where they come and to where they go. It is a game I am never tired of.
Sometimes I will miss you immensely as well, for you have been the only person who has taken me to see all those flights departing and landing, from a hidden corner of the city. But you have been long gone and I as well.

Some one has told me back in high school, that if I catch a plane with my hand and swallow it down my stomach, then I can make a wish. I have lost count of how many wishes I have made as a 17-yr-old have actually come true, quite a lot I would say. Though sometimes I would just forget and indulge myself on those which have never materialised.

And a day like this always reminds me for what I am here — for the blue sky, the breeze, for the clearly divided seasons, for the freedom of behaving and speaking as I am,

還有還有，為了夢中的橄欖樹，橄欖樹
不要問我從哪裡來

So many years & 3 countries after..

I am still as lost and depressed as ever, if not a bit more. The difference is that I learned to use some natural/ not so natural therapy to overcome the obstacles. Valerian, swimming and biking, goodbye to the sleepless night and panic attack on long-haul flight.

If I cannot kill the fear and depression down at the bottom of my heart, then just live with it. And learn to accept, as the quote goes --"As frustrated as it might be, a question may never be answered"

Soñé, si te soñé......

23.9.2015 Hong Kong Déjà vu

每次坐在深夜香港機場的貴賓室裡都很焦慮，不知道焦慮的是接下來十幾個小時的黑夜航行還是不想回到現實的抗拒。

在離開香港整整兩年半以後，我終於鼓起勇氣再度踏進香港待個幾天。

踏在熟悉又陌生的街道上，數著地鐵經過的每一站，香港十八個月終於像倒帶一樣從腦袋深處緩緩流出。從離開辦公室最後一天開始：照傳統請客的檀島蛋塔，同期graduates在北園飲茶送行，傍晚在IFC mall海景酒吧請整個team喝酒，老闆恭賀我高就。在那之前的一個月，我在上環的餐廳裡掩不住興奮的和Shuang說我終於找到工作要離職了。

記憶不停倒帶，想起青衣的blue moon，維港的彩虹，紫羅蘭山道上的水塘，soho小小酒吧每週四Spanish meeting的笑聲。吃遍香港大大小小餐廳，走訪每一個小島，下班坐著天星小輪去九龍逛街，每月有個週末要去中環adoption day跟狗玩得不亦樂乎。

中午從IFC海景配自己煮的便當、美心大家樂大快活、賓賓大樓廉價便當、上環的小西餐廳、藝穗會的素食buffet到混進招商局的員工餐廳，還有和Mac一個月一次的午餐約會。小豬每一季都會來被我請客然後上演怡東酒店鬧劇，我坐在這裡接待所有在香港轉機中停的查賬員。

也曾跟同事午餐時間餓著肚子去做瑜伽然後發誓再也不要荼毒自己，辦公室一群女孩一窩蜂團報奧海城的gym（然後去的沒幾個）。Leonardo di Caprio在IFC出現，A&F中環開幕，辦公室的女生輪流溜下去看帥哥。iPhone上市、誠品開了，排隊排到天邊。詫異的看著大陸人拖走了一箱箱奶粉，一箱箱明明就不好吃的曲奇餅，一箱箱iPhone，還有一箱箱香港人被踐踏過的自尊。

南蠻嚼舌的發著廣東話九個音，從被香港人誤會成賓賓、印印、然後終於進步到北姑和加拿大歸國華僑。常常錯亂的看著人不知道該講英文粵語普通話，最終都係摻在一起亂亂講。“我幫你check check吓～”，港式英語總是讓我忍笑忍到內傷。

海邊長廊長長的散步，頭上飛過的飛機，半夜傳來的船笛，藏在屋苑深處的美味甜點。從海欣花園走到公屋群剛好一公里，有力氣的時候就會拿著鞋去慢跑，沒力氣的時候一邊走一邊看著遠方橋上穿梭的東涌綫和機場快綫。我愛極也恨極亡命小巴，“青衣碼頭有落啊唔該”。
在擁擠的街道走著走著，當我終於想起如何從中環IFC走著一個接一個的空中步道，穿梭在一棟又一棟的華廈間，熟稔不落地的一路走到香氣滿溢畢打街的時候，彩色的記憶也逐漸填滿了一年半的時光。從此以後我的香港記憶不再只有半夜睡不著覺瞪著的空白天花板，看不完的醫生治不好的病消失的月經短路的腦袋無盡的焦慮，還有每個在台北飛香港國泰班機上大哭的時候。

我家樓下白髮蒼蒼講話溫和的家庭醫生都退休了呢。

從下榻酒店到機場快綫站的路上，搞笑的計程車司機的跟我隨意地攀談，喜歡住在香港的日子嗎？不喜歡，我回答，香港好好玩，但是真的住下來，壓力好大。

很有哲理的司機回了我：
“其實好多時候，壓力都是自己帶俾自己的。工作、上車買樓，其實都只是生活中好小一部分，可以是重要目標但唔得做focus。不如搵個有錢佬，或叫男人搵多啲錢囉？但是佢有咗錢以後搞不好就去外面搞搞震啦。呢個世界冇咩事係永遠嘅啦，開開心心過好眼前的日子咪得啦！“

住在香港的時候很少拍照，總覺得不知為何失去了構圖的能力。回頭看看那時拍的旅遊照，也多半平淡的不知所云。這次只帶了一顆35mm定焦鏡，卻讓我捕捉到曾經每天擦肩而過卻從未收進相本裡的畫面。

Here you go, my Hong Kong memories

https://picasaweb.google.com/111705916351773854829/HongKongDejaVu

2011年10月，我帶著重感冒昏昏沈沈的飛抵香港，住在銅鑼灣的Serviced Apartment裡。傍晚頭昏腦脹的摸下樓在這家Wellcome一邊買食物一邊拼命打噴嚏。正當我覺得鼻子快要掉下來的時候，前面阿婆回過頭塞給我一包面紙要我好好保重身體。我常常想，龍山寺說我在香港會遇到貴人，的確從下飛機那一刻開始，我真的遇到很多對我很好的人，沒有這些人，恐怕我的香港生活就只有十八天就哭著跑走了，而不是十八個月。