I have been thinking lately. Since when I started to feel completely unable to identify with or fit in to my own country? Since when I have become a banana -- yellow skin and white inside, or to be more precise, fake white? Since when I tried to hide my nationality and only hope people will remember me because of how I am? Am I the same person, am I expressing the same personality when I speak Chinese, English, Spanish and German?
Why did I try to forget on purpose my once at-ease feeling of the city where I grew up? I have been so used to the city, familiar with every side-street and bus route. Even though it has grown out of my reach, there are still places that remained standing after so many years. Places where I have once been lingering, alone or accompanied. Places that I once loved, as much as my favourite bar in Madrid, favourite walking route in London, or my favourite café in Berlin. Oh, I might once even qualified as a Hipster.
Why have I always believed Taiwan is sliding back to developing country downward spiral, grouping and competing only with the like of Thailand and not Singapore? I remembered I could barely hid my disdain when I visited a crowded hospital overflowed with patients, or a traditional neighbourhood GP clinic without state-of-the-art equipment, bright interior design and carefully protected patient privacy.
Maybe it has always been a developing country. Only I have adopted the high living standard of Europe as well as its haughtiness. I looked down to my own birthplace with contempt, as well as the fact and memory that I was once a normal young Taiwanese girl walking down the street. Naiive as she was, entrenched as she was. Eager to see the world while satisfied with simple bliss in life?
Since when did I started to want to be identified as European of Asian descent/ Asian who has long immigrated to Europe, as opposed to a proud Taiwanese? Is this an auto-protection mechanism to distinct myself from those FOBs, or to distant from the potential attacks from Chinese? Am I believing that I wouldnt be kicked away from my Disneyland if I camouflage myself as a character?
Psychologist once commented that no matter how much a person can change with environment, the innate core value remained the same and can hardly be shaken. The confusion often emerges when the core value conflicts with the acquired belief. Maybe to make life easier I just try to hid the Taiwanese self, or all together, let the original me be buried together with my adolescent memory in a city far without reach.
I wish in this life I, or anyone in the world could discover the magic of human brain, make possible to implant/ extract/ manipulate human memories & emotion. Perhaps that will be the day of my salvation.
Why did I try to forget on purpose my once at-ease feeling of the city where I grew up? I have been so used to the city, familiar with every side-street and bus route. Even though it has grown out of my reach, there are still places that remained standing after so many years. Places where I have once been lingering, alone or accompanied. Places that I once loved, as much as my favourite bar in Madrid, favourite walking route in London, or my favourite café in Berlin. Oh, I might once even qualified as a Hipster.
Why have I always believed Taiwan is sliding back to developing country downward spiral, grouping and competing only with the like of Thailand and not Singapore? I remembered I could barely hid my disdain when I visited a crowded hospital overflowed with patients, or a traditional neighbourhood GP clinic without state-of-the-art equipment, bright interior design and carefully protected patient privacy.
Maybe it has always been a developing country. Only I have adopted the high living standard of Europe as well as its haughtiness. I looked down to my own birthplace with contempt, as well as the fact and memory that I was once a normal young Taiwanese girl walking down the street. Naiive as she was, entrenched as she was. Eager to see the world while satisfied with simple bliss in life?
Since when did I started to want to be identified as European of Asian descent/ Asian who has long immigrated to Europe, as opposed to a proud Taiwanese? Is this an auto-protection mechanism to distinct myself from those FOBs, or to distant from the potential attacks from Chinese? Am I believing that I wouldnt be kicked away from my Disneyland if I camouflage myself as a character?
Psychologist once commented that no matter how much a person can change with environment, the innate core value remained the same and can hardly be shaken. The confusion often emerges when the core value conflicts with the acquired belief. Maybe to make life easier I just try to hid the Taiwanese self, or all together, let the original me be buried together with my adolescent memory in a city far without reach.
I wish in this life I, or anyone in the world could discover the magic of human brain, make possible to implant/ extract/ manipulate human memories & emotion. Perhaps that will be the day of my salvation.
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