我其實沒有很喜歡坐飛機，只是這是連結地球上兩點之間最快的方式。更多的時候我喜歡坐火車。自從我發現了Eurostar這穿梭在英法海底隧道的奇妙交通方式之後已經搭了十幾次。曾經有個笨蛋問過我：「海底隧道啊，那窗外面可以看到魚嗎？」No，無法，這又不是ＸＸ海生館，不過如果真的能建成這樣也是不錯喔。

所以我經常搭火車到倫敦。雖然耗費的時間多了一些，但至少可以省下安檢移民官行李託運起飛降落的種種不適。我也喜歡St Pancras這個車站，和每次走出arrival gate第一眼就看到明亮的燈光和商店街穿梭的人潮，歡迎來到浮華世界！

這次為了陪千里而來的堂姐和堂姐夫，破天荒的連一次都沒走到Oxford Street上，反而重新走訪了一些好久沒有去的地方，做那些只有觀光客會做的事情：東拍拍西拍拍，吃個cliche brunch，然後去中國城對著烤雞烤鴨思鄉。

還有固定routine的高中同學會。生命中最親近的高中同學們不知道為什麼都前後當了一輪倫敦的住客。當初十五歲青澀年華，可曾想過會有一天會一起坐著蔣阿呆的超迷你復古mini滑過倫敦街頭，一起到于會的豪宅裡喝可樂聊天。在周圍呼嘯而過的大車身旁mini像個玩具碰碰車，但這又是另一個視野的倫敦，繁華世界之外，生活的倫敦。

也許我有一天真的會搬到倫敦，當年華尚未老去，當和一大班好朋友走遍倫敦角落的記憶尚未褪色。也許我真的會加入這浮華世界。 如果像JP Morgan這種公司要我的話，可以喔。

別隱瞞

對我說

別怕我傷心

Brooklyn

前陣子在飛機上半睡半醒間看完了lag好久的Brooklyn。很簡單的故事，但是看得心有戚戚焉。當一個人的人生裡有了兩個千里之隔的世界，事情就會越來越變得難以兩全。不論多麽不願意，錯過開始成為日常生活的一部分。有選擇的餘地，是幸福，也是一種詛咒。因為不管做了哪種抉擇，從此人生總是缺了一塊，就像相機裡入的灰塵一樣，不但礙眼，還時時刻刻在那裡提醒你他的存在。

我到現在還一直記得我二十歲那年出國時候的樣子，那時候還叫做中正機場的一航廈大樓裡，全家都跑來送我了。我拖著陪我至如今的小黑行李箱，抓著綠色護照頭也不回地走過移民關。我還記得在螺旋槳小飛機裡看著下面的阿爾卑斯山，還有飛機降落在奧地利後的第一天：國際學生會派人來接我，冷冽的空氣，有著木頭傢俱和灰色地毯的房間，帶著德文字典去超市買的第一次雜貨。

將近十一年就這樣過去了，我沒敢去算到底選擇了什麼或放棄了什麼。而且我也像電影裡的女主角一樣發現，最難的事情不是離家，而是回家。究竟回鄉探親是該用什麼樣的心情？常理上應該是要開開心心的。然而在家鄉待的越開心，收假離開的時候缺的那塊角似乎又破得大了一點。而多年過去他鄉早已變成了新家，變成另外一個不想有著錯過的地方，也不是說走就走得那麼容易。

多年來在深夜的CX289, CX251和CX375航班裡，我常常睡不著就在想著這些事情，雖然到現在我還是想不出個答案。

ps. 我真喜歡五零年代的流行，女主角的衣服都好想要啊。

“我一直在網路上尋覓有型新背包，卻嫌棄我衣櫃裡一個明明就完好無缺的Jansport淺藍色包包。那包包明明就是我大學時候摸了好多次才去買的包，還花了當時覺得真的很貴的一千多塊。但總是覺得，天藍色不是那麼的適合我。高中大學的時候總是很愛買藍色這種刻板印象裡男孩子氣的東西，長大後反而比較喜歡紅色系這種符合刻板印象的顏色。正確地說我喜歡的是西瓜紅，或是coral/ flamingo這種色號喔。”

“明明就大晴天的，傍晚突然變冷開始下起了雨。沒有靈感卻逼自己加班加了兩小時，自以為使出念研究所時的關禁閉蘑菇大法，論文就可以順利產生。出辦公室門的時候剛好有人把一台car-sharing停在我面前。媽啊我運氣真好可以開車回家，正當這麼想的時候就發現租車卡沒帶，幹到靠北。”

“我一直很好奇每個人的辦公桌長得什麼樣子？我很無聊的把自己的辦公桌拍下來，明明就是一張很大的桌子，卻老是被我搞得雜亂無章，好像不亂我就不舒服一樣。同事開玩笑的算過，最高紀錄可以有五個水杯三個咖啡杯在桌上。其實他還少算了咖啡壺、護唇膏、眼藥水、皮膚過敏藥膏、攝影作品、白花油、咖啡粉、護手霜、計算機、對面廣東館子的外賣菜單、還有一狗票貼得亂七八糟的便條紙”

”說了好久終於把辦公室的位子搬到最角落去，以前的鄰居在午餐時間笑著說好想我啊，尤其是你被煩人事情激怒的碎碎念和哀嚎。原來我在同事心目中就是這種笑料啊嘆。不過我很喜歡對面坐的義大利妹妹，不管講什麼事情她都很捧場的笑的花枝亂顫，十分安慰”

我其實很想知道，是不是每個人對於這種生活瑣碎小事都像我一樣有這麼多話可以說。想說的時候，到底又是說給誰聽？為這種小事情敲朋友聊天好像真的很蠢，只好飛快不停地寫下來。我對臉書的龐大觀眾感到害怕，寫批兔又沒人看好桑心，所以我又轉向在instagram碎碎念，但也只不過讓另外一個社交媒體讓我的焦慮淹沒而已。某高人有次指點我：保持一個大一點的交友圈，才可以把和每個朋友分配到剛好的時間，不致於讓別人產生煩惱。雖然當下我覺得是committment phobia，但後來想想，這也不無道理啊。

我這幾天讀了有關心理學上的Unfinished business，大意就是，人類都有完成一件事的趨向和渴求，就像看到一個有開口的圓圈總會有衝動的把它加上一筆，或是看到虛線構成的圖片總會忍不住地做個連連看。而過去的不圓滿不一定會隨著時間而消失，因為潛意識不會欺騙自己，縱使時間走得再遠，完美主義的自己總是會讓那些不完美的圓在午夜夢迴中悄然出現。有時夢境是痛苦的，即使睡滿了八小時醒來時還是疲累不堪。有時夢是美好的，但是清醒時的失落感比刀割還痛。我常常賴床賴到鬧鐘已經響了三四次才不捨的睜開眼睛，讓夢中餘溫對上清晨的酷寒，然後整天過得失神。

三十歲之後我花了很多時間去和自己和解，說是和解，其實說真的也是慢慢的關掉每一個有缺憾的開口，審視過往那些曾經被胡亂蓋掉然後逃離的憂傷。Somehow我真的相信，如果我能真的做到，也許就可以把困擾自己多年的憂鬱和焦慮一筆勾銷，然後真正選擇一條未來的日子裡想走的路。縱使撕開傷口的過程真的很痛苦，我常常晚上睡不著、掉進自己挖的黑洞裡面轉來轉去、關在房間裡尖叫，或是不停的repeat一首腦海中響不停的歌。情況比較差的時候，我會吃不下飯，站在陽台上想往下跳，或是看著面前高速行駛的電車想要一把撲上去。

但我還是很努力，網路上心理醫生最常的建議是寫信，或是拉張空椅子想像對方坐在椅子上和他說話。我在緊張的時候總是詞窮說不出話來，於是我寫信，寫很多的信。雖然我必須要學著接受的是有些時候，我心裡的收信者已經不會再讀我寫的字，更不會對我回話，例如我再也找不到年輕時候的自己了。但一旦丟筆放棄，這些堆積起來說不出的話總是有一天會把腦袋淹沒。 至少，2015年夏末秋初，我和香港和解。和台北和解仍然是個ongoing process，但我想快了，就快了。 下面是一段十二月底寫的字，儘管照例是一封沒有收信人的信，但我真的很喜歡。

* * *

看完演唱會的第二個早上，我穿過下雨的台北去松山機場的一角找好久不見的朋友，老少年老少女聊聊天就靈機一動的去唱歌。朋友說：你不在的日子，我都會點蘇慧倫的我一個人住來唱，想念你曾經很愛唱這首歌。我說：那今天由我來唱給你聽。開刀過的嗓子唱得不像以前那麼順，高音上不去，也總是覺得喘，但是唱到一半他就哭了。

我又點了梁靜茹的對不起我愛你來唱，朋友突然幽幽的說，這我記得，那個冬天你愛人愛得很辛苦的時候，你就是一天到晚在聽這首歌。 然後我就哭了，最後我們抱在一起哭，哭那些不知道到底去了的青春、原來還有人記得的零碎細節，和流轉歲月中許許多多個硬忍著不敢說出來的思念。 “你還想我嘛，像我現在想你一樣”，這是懷舊的我們常常向著風裡大喊的話，受話者可以是好多好多人，時間可以是睡不著的夜晚和孤單坐在家聽著雨的週末，或是走路走到發呆，等車等到失神，每一個時間板塊交錯中的細縫裡。

* * *

最近常想到的幾句歌詞:

沒故意留下底片　捕捉幸福的片段
風光明信片　並非寫信地點
沒故意提及辛酸　換取陌生的掛念
P.S.再說一遍　前事已經湮遠

 思緒雜亂，就寫到這裡吧。

Welcome to the World, Emily

Dear Emily,

在你出生前的幾個小時，你的媽媽在陣痛，你這個最愛湊熱鬧的乾媽（並且是自己霸道硬要如此自稱）在旁邊喊燒。感謝美妙的科技發明，我們居然能無時差的收到你老爸傳來的相片，稍微彌補了沒有辦法到場的遺憾。

你的來到當然令人興奮。

在你的心目中，你的媽媽永遠都是你的媽媽，她會永遠像一個巨人那樣的保護你、帶領你（還有跟你搶kitty, of course）。但是在我的心目中，她曾經也是個十五六歲稚嫩的少女，是個十七八歲純情撒著玫瑰花的女孩，曾有過二十歲出頭的耀眼、二十後段的成熟。現在的她，除了閃著三十歲的芳華，還多了一個也許我永遠不會有勇氣去體驗的美好。我很幸運，能夠見證陪伴她的成長。而你，則是我們見證的另外一個里程碑。

因為你的來臨，我在購物的時候開始走進從來沒去過的嬰幼兒區，開始記得M&S打折的時候要多看一眼。我算著這次我回去你將會幾個月大了，下次見到你又會是幾個月大，要買長袖還是短袖的。多大的小孩可以玩玩具？我唯一的經驗是我七歲的姪子，但是小男生很好討好，小飛機，小汽車，瘋狂的跑來跑去，這幾招從來沒有失敗過。但是小女生又玩些什麼呢？

不知道你的小小腦袋裡會不會閃過這個疑問：究竟你來到的是怎麼樣的世界？

我最近也經常在問我自己這件事情，除了每天上班一定要看的財經新聞以外，連去健身房慢跑的時候都在聽BBC和The Economist的時事摘要。我有時候會覺得，這個世界上的新聞怎麼都是心碎的？砲彈四處亂飛，形而上的政治爭論，聽得我好累好累。

幾周前我無意路過小鎮的一個角落，幾間簡單的房子，衣服在晾衣繩上飛著。是跳蚤市場嗎？不然德國人不這麼晾衣服的。走過探頭一看：包著頭巾的婦女，深色頭髮眼睛的孩子，略帶羞怯的看著圍牆外的我。我突然理解了他們是什麼人、為什麼在這裡。我努力擺出最友善的微笑後儘速離去，不想被當成闖入偷窺他們生活的人，畢竟他們的世界剩下的東西已經這麼少。

在我們坐在溫暖屋簷下的時候，平行時空裡有這麼多事情在發生，但沒有權、沒有錢的我只能躺在沙發上怔怔的盯著電視螢幕，或是清談著如果我是德國總理我會怎麼辦。但說到底，真的很多事情我們就是無能為力，就算自以為多菁英也是一樣。當然閉上眼睛不去看是最簡便的方法，但是閉上眼睛的同時，也就看不到世界上可能有的驚喜了。

我只能默默的希望這一切鬧劇都有結束的一天。也希望在你我的有生之年，我們永遠不會被捲入那樣的困境。希望你可以穿著我從歐洲帶回來的可愛童裝，吃著我也好愛吃的小熊軟糖，快樂的在你重慶南路漂亮的家中長大。只是在心中的角落，我們都要時常記得，對我們的幸運心存感激，並且儘所能的分享我們的幸運。

畢竟這還是個妙極了的世界啊，天空這麼藍，地平線走不到盡頭。雖然我比你多活了三十年，但有一件事情是零歲的你和三十歲的我共通的，就是我們都不知道未來會發生什麼的事。只能這樣摸索著，一步一步地走下去。有時候真的會覺得好累好累要走不下去了，那也沒有關係，就蹲下來休息一下好了。有時候沒有方向，也許也是一種方向，學會原諒自己，擁抱不完美的世界，是一生的課題。至於現在，你只要忙著快快樂樂長大就好了。

我最愛的歌手，十幾年前在她第一個女兒出生之後唱了這首歌，現在我把她送給你。

Dear Emily, welcome to this world。這個瘋狂卻也美好的花花世界。

From time to time, I would forget the reason of being here. I would start to reminisce about the past that has long gone, wish today to end soon and tomorrow never come. Whenever I am struck by this vicious loop, more often then not, I would just simply let the depression take over without any defense. But whenever I can collect myself together, I would light a cigarette, turn up my music, mount my bike and ride to the river. I love to sit besides the ever-running Rhein, seeing all the aircraft passing over my head and try to recognise to which company they belongs to, from where they come and to where they go. It is a game I am never tired of.
Sometimes I will miss you immensely as well, for you have been the only person who has taken me to see all those flights departing and landing, from a hidden corner of the city. But you have been long gone and I as well.

Some one has told me back in high school, that if I catch a plane with my hand and swallow it down my stomach, then I can make a wish. I have lost count of how many wishes I have made as a 17-yr-old have actually come true, quite a lot I would say. Though sometimes I would just forget and indulge myself on those which have never materialised.

And a day like this always reminds me for what I am here — for the blue sky, the breeze, for the clearly divided seasons, for the freedom of behaving and speaking as I am,

還有還有，為了夢中的橄欖樹，橄欖樹
不要問我從哪裡來

So many years & 3 countries after..

I am still as lost and depressed as ever, if not a bit more. The difference is that I learned to use some natural/ not so natural therapy to overcome the obstacles. Valerian, swimming and biking, goodbye to the sleepless night and panic attack on long-haul flight.

If I cannot kill the fear and depression down at the bottom of my heart, then just live with it. And learn to accept, as the quote goes --"As frustrated as it might be, a question may never be answered"

Soñé, si te soñé......

23.9.2015 Hong Kong Déjà vu

每次坐在深夜香港機場的貴賓室裡都很焦慮，不知道焦慮的是接下來十幾個小時的黑夜航行還是不想回到現實的抗拒。

在離開香港整整兩年半以後，我終於鼓起勇氣再度踏進香港待個幾天。

踏在熟悉又陌生的街道上，數著地鐵經過的每一站，香港十八個月終於像倒帶一樣從腦袋深處緩緩流出。從離開辦公室最後一天開始：照傳統請客的檀島蛋塔，同期graduates在北園飲茶送行，傍晚在IFC mall海景酒吧請整個team喝酒，老闆恭賀我高就。在那之前的一個月，我在上環的餐廳裡掩不住興奮的和Shuang說我終於找到工作要離職了。

記憶不停倒帶，想起青衣的blue moon，維港的彩虹，紫羅蘭山道上的水塘，soho小小酒吧每週四Spanish meeting的笑聲。吃遍香港大大小小餐廳，走訪每一個小島，下班坐著天星小輪去九龍逛街，每月有個週末要去中環adoption day跟狗玩得不亦樂乎。

中午從IFC海景配自己煮的便當、美心大家樂大快活、賓賓大樓廉價便當、上環的小西餐廳、藝穗會的素食buffet到混進招商局的員工餐廳，還有和Mac一個月一次的午餐約會。小豬每一季都會來被我請客然後上演怡東酒店鬧劇，我坐在這裡接待所有在香港轉機中停的查賬員。

也曾跟同事午餐時間餓著肚子去做瑜伽然後發誓再也不要荼毒自己，辦公室一群女孩一窩蜂團報奧海城的gym（然後去的沒幾個）。Leonardo di Caprio在IFC出現，A&F中環開幕，辦公室的女生輪流溜下去看帥哥。iPhone上市、誠品開了，排隊排到天邊。詫異的看著大陸人拖走了一箱箱奶粉，一箱箱明明就不好吃的曲奇餅，一箱箱iPhone，還有一箱箱香港人被踐踏過的自尊。

南蠻嚼舌的發著廣東話九個音，從被香港人誤會成賓賓、印印、然後終於進步到北姑和加拿大歸國華僑。常常錯亂的看著人不知道該講英文粵語普通話，最終都係摻在一起亂亂講。“我幫你check check吓～”，港式英語總是讓我忍笑忍到內傷。

海邊長廊長長的散步，頭上飛過的飛機，半夜傳來的船笛，藏在屋苑深處的美味甜點。從海欣花園走到公屋群剛好一公里，有力氣的時候就會拿著鞋去慢跑，沒力氣的時候一邊走一邊看著遠方橋上穿梭的東涌綫和機場快綫。我愛極也恨極亡命小巴，“青衣碼頭有落啊唔該”。
在擁擠的街道走著走著，當我終於想起如何從中環IFC走著一個接一個的空中步道，穿梭在一棟又一棟的華廈間，熟稔不落地的一路走到香氣滿溢畢打街的時候，彩色的記憶也逐漸填滿了一年半的時光。從此以後我的香港記憶不再只有半夜睡不著覺瞪著的空白天花板，看不完的醫生治不好的病消失的月經短路的腦袋無盡的焦慮，還有每個在台北飛香港國泰班機上大哭的時候。

我家樓下白髮蒼蒼講話溫和的家庭醫生都退休了呢。

從下榻酒店到機場快綫站的路上，搞笑的計程車司機的跟我隨意地攀談，喜歡住在香港的日子嗎？不喜歡，我回答，香港好好玩，但是真的住下來，壓力好大。

很有哲理的司機回了我：
“其實好多時候，壓力都是自己帶俾自己的。工作、上車買樓，其實都只是生活中好小一部分，可以是重要目標但唔得做focus。不如搵個有錢佬，或叫男人搵多啲錢囉？但是佢有咗錢以後搞不好就去外面搞搞震啦。呢個世界冇咩事係永遠嘅啦，開開心心過好眼前的日子咪得啦！“

住在香港的時候很少拍照，總覺得不知為何失去了構圖的能力。回頭看看那時拍的旅遊照，也多半平淡的不知所云。這次只帶了一顆35mm定焦鏡，卻讓我捕捉到曾經每天擦肩而過卻從未收進相本裡的畫面。

Here you go, my Hong Kong memories

https://picasaweb.google.com/111705916351773854829/HongKongDejaVu

2011年10月，我帶著重感冒昏昏沈沈的飛抵香港，住在銅鑼灣的Serviced Apartment裡。傍晚頭昏腦脹的摸下樓在這家Wellcome一邊買食物一邊拼命打噴嚏。正當我覺得鼻子快要掉下來的時候，前面阿婆回過頭塞給我一包面紙要我好好保重身體。我常常想，龍山寺說我在香港會遇到貴人，的確從下飛機那一刻開始，我真的遇到很多對我很好的人，沒有這些人，恐怕我的香港生活就只有十八天就哭著跑走了，而不是十八個月。

Unwritten Letter

I have been thinking lately. Since when I started to feel completely unable to identify with or fit in to my own country? Since when I have become a banana -- yellow skin and white inside, or to be more precise, fake white? Since when I tried to hide my nationality and only hope people will remember me because of how I am? Am I the same person, am I expressing the same personality when I speak Chinese, English, Spanish and German?

Why did I try to forget on purpose my once at-ease feeling of the city where I grew up? I have been so used to the city, familiar with every side-street and bus route. Even though it has grown out of my reach, there are still places that remained standing after so many years. Places where I have once been lingering, alone or accompanied. Places that I once loved, as much as my favourite bar in Madrid, favourite walking route in London, or my favourite café in Berlin. Oh, I might once even qualified as a Hipster.

Why have I always believed Taiwan is sliding back to developing country downward spiral, grouping and competing only with the like of Thailand and not Singapore? I remembered I could barely hid my disdain when I visited a crowded hospital overflowed with patients, or a traditional neighbourhood GP clinic without state-of-the-art equipment, bright interior design and carefully protected patient privacy.

Maybe it has always been a developing country. Only I have adopted the high living standard of Europe as well as its haughtiness. I looked down to my own birthplace with contempt, as well as the fact and memory that I was once a normal young Taiwanese girl walking down the street. Naiive as she was, entrenched as she was. Eager to see the world while satisfied with simple bliss in life? 

Since when did I started to want to be identified as European of Asian descent/ Asian who has long immigrated to Europe, as opposed to a proud Taiwanese? Is this an auto-protection mechanism to distinct myself from those FOBs, or to distant from the potential attacks from Chinese? Am I believing that I wouldnt be kicked away from my Disneyland if I camouflage myself as a character?

Psychologist once commented that no matter how much a person can change with environment, the innate core value remained the same and can hardly be shaken. The confusion often emerges when the core value conflicts with the acquired belief. Maybe to make life easier I just try to hid the Taiwanese self, or all together, let the original me be buried together with my adolescent memory in a city far without reach.

I wish in this life I, or anyone in the world could discover the magic of human brain, make possible to implant/ extract/ manipulate human memories & emotion. Perhaps that will be the day of my salvation.

Die Lichter blinkt noch

I have been encountering emotional problem for long. Rachel just recommended me to start writing again. I used to have such abundancy of thoughts and words but eventually they just escaped. Perhaps they have transformed into ratios, trends, macroeconomics, etc., stored in the corner of a server within an multinational giant.

Sunshine after rain, and life moves on. 九號公路上不知名鄉村的彩虹。感謝陳若瑜，一陣大哭大笑後才發現自己原來還是有人類感情存在，雖然我從來沒有很相信什麼陽光總在風雨後烏雲上有晴空的說法。不過看到彩虹真是一件很幸福的事情，在車上大聲合唱老掉牙的情歌回憶以前高中做過所有蠢事也是很幸福的事情。一晃眼十幾年就過了，很多事情卻清晰的有如昨日。就像心愛的舊情歌一樣，平時不知塞到頭腦哪裡去，但是前奏一起，所有旋律歌詞悉數浮現腦海中。過往種種如夢一場，沈迷過的偶像一個個消失。但是當我們坐在一張長桌前，面對面苦著臉抱怨的時候，好像從信義路三段到Alphabet district間這時空距離都不曾存在一樣，只是煩惱的不再是彼此暗戀的男孩而是不安焦慮近中年危機，我想這也是一種成長。

祝你開心，下個十年。這輩子我送過自己打的圍巾的人還真不多，讓我重新承諾拾起很久沒碰的釘板毛線，這種說不出的大愛陳小姐你最好要好好記得。

Gee

How blogger has changed. Guess I still need to come back every now and then. Ever since moving to Hong Kong I have lost my ability to write, no matter in English, Spanish or German. Sometimes I passed the day speaking four languages and found myself only lost in translation.

I miss Europe. Want to have a dog. And gee I'm really getting old.

Vergnügungen

von Bertolt Brecht

Der erste Blick aus dem Fenster am Morgen
Das wiedergefundene alte Buch
Begeisterte Gesichter
Schnee, der Wechsel der Jahreszeiten
Die Zeitung
Der Hund
Die Dialektik
Duschen, Schwimmen
Alte Musik
Bequeme Schuhe
Begreifen
Neue Musik
Schreiben, Pflanzen
Reisen
Singen
Freundlich sein

Sleepless in Madrid

I just cannot get myself to sleep and this is driving me mad. Perhaps I don't want Monday to arrive. I hate summer.

One more week

Can't believe my long-expected vacation is really coming. Recently start to appreciate every chance to escape from this city, even its only a short weekend break down to the beach. Tranquility, the word I found last summer in Berlin is again lost. Getting rotten in the city, so bored. The city is bustling but life is so plain and lonely. Should there be the next move? Life is at its most painful when filling the blank on one's CV.

Lassen wir uns einfach dahin fahren. Wird es besser sein?

2010

I have been thinking for long to write down something about this year... after all 2010 is an important year for me. Turning point? Perhaps not, or perhaps there have been too many turning points in my life up to this point and subsequently I myself have been turning and turning until finally lost.

First of all I turned 26 at the end of 2010. Though I take birthday as the most important day in a year hardly do I care much about the numbers of candles on the cake. But this year I am 26, right crossing the threshold of "youth" and "adult". From time to time I have to admit that an urge to succumb to a world of comfort and stability does come up. As well as the thoughts to stop the crazy things like cross-country road trip, sleeping in airport, taking ryanair. But backpacker never dies, only ages, and not even that would kill the Sehnsucht and wonderlust that is embedded in an old backpacker, only the < 26 discount will never be applicable ever again in life.

2010 Summer I was a Berliner for 3 mere weeks. Finally I have the blessing to live in my favourite city in the world, and it was honestly the best summer ever, ever. I had a small flat in Mitte, with bright berliner sun shining through the white curtain, and surrounded by my secret hideaways discovered after years of passing-by. Be it the small italian takeaway with its very friendly owner, or the cafe around the corner serving fresh Berliner Pilsner. I love the Prenzlauer Berg although the whole Schönehauseallee has been basically taken over by summer tourists; I also appreciate the despite-the-glory-name shabby Sonnenalle (Sun avenue in English it is). I love speaking German, even though the vocabulary and phrases have started to fade away from my memory.

And that was the farewell to my drifting youth. And the beginning of the real life, ironically, is still in Madrid, the capital of this Peter Pan’s land. I almost forgot how good the feeling was to have one’s bank account regularly loaded up and credit card balance cleared. I enjoy my new job and the vista from 22nd floor, yet I do feel really lonely and segregated, if not lost as always. After one and a half year residing in Madrid I still cannot cross the huge language barrier lying in front of me. How I miss my Mancunian-speaking life! And how I miss the expressive and chatty self, rather than swallowing my words along with a perplexed smile – maybe it’s finally a signal that my Spanish life is deemed to end, for better or for worse. And it does come to an end – unless something unfortunate happen and I have to look for a new job again.

Yet being sent back to Asia is indeed a fearful thought, even though I am really up being in Spain. But Europe is still the continent I know, I passionately love and where I spent the most splendid years of my youth. I wonder if there would be anything wonderful ahead at the other side of the world that can really talk me into bidding farewell to this beautiful yet frustrating, vibrate yet stubborn, with an old-school charm, land.

Maybe from now on the full price of life finally has to be paid, just as the interrail pass.

Der Himmel über Berlin

I really wanna write something more complete but I am too tired to do so. So for the time being I just briefly record this -- at this moment I am really happy. It is some kind of satisfaction and tranquility that have been lost for a long time, so long that I have thought that it would be lost forever. Yet I found it here.

Die Sonne lacht so schadenfroh

Been pretty depressed lately. The idling hours along the days have become silent pressure, and I have become speechless. Job seeking kept haunting me down the way. Seems that nothing can really cheered me up. As if sharing my thoughts, the city is growing even more chaotic as summer unfolds. The rumours, uncertainty, and anxiety have penetrating the life. We are at war, yet the enemy remains a vague capture in the TV news, so-called crisis, labour reform and VAT raise. Everyone is burnt, either physically by the late-June Sun or psychologically by the economical torture.

So today was another hot day. The all-mighty metro Madrid has been on strike for the second day. Hence taxi drivers are happy, buses overloaded, and Madrileños, always running around the clock, were distressed. It was today, in a cool café near Tribunal, my desire to move to Germany is aroused. By the words of a girlfriend who is enjoy her peaceful new life in Köln, by the same distress we shared before, and by the sheer hope we were both seeking.

Really?

Have struggled so much to settle in Madrid, yet when I’m really settled, most of my friends left, one after another, either to England, Germany or even further – leaving me guarding this beautiful, charming, yet sad city.

And is it time to leave? Will I find another place in another corner of the world? Do I still remember my German? Life is more complicated than order ein Großes I believe.

Yet there’s no answer. Registered in the German class for the coming semester, I hope I could find out how life is gonna lead me through. Be it here or there.

Comentario de la película “New York, I Love You”

Ayer vio la película “New York, I love you”. Es una repuesta a la película “Paris, Ja T’aime” que salí hace poco años. El productor es la misma persona, Emmanuel Benbihy. Pero los directores cambiaron, y por su puesto también el lugar de robar.

La película principalmente concentar en las historias romanticas occurieron en Nueva York. Según la misma forma de la version Paris, muchos directores famosos eran invitado a presentar sus observaciones sobre el amor en la ciudad de Nueva York. La lista incluye unos de mi favoritos, como Fatih Akin de Turquia, Shunji Iwai de Japón, y Mira Nair de India. También esta es el debut de Natalie Portman como una directora. Aunque los directores no son tan famoso que los de la versión Paris, creo que también representan una generación joven y genre diferentes. Antes de ver la película, no podía imaginar como presentaria sus observaciones sobre esta ciudad. Sobre todo unos de ellos, como Shunji Iwai, nunca había robado fuera de su cultura y países. Sin embargo, como la ciudad, el resultado de varios puntos de vista se mezclaron y funcionaron bien.

Las historias había que representar varios barrios de la ciudad. Pero me parece esta película no esta tan organizada como la versión anterior. No como en Paris, los barrios de Nueva York no se divide muy claro. Por eso las historias no son individuales, sino se puso alguna conneciones entre cada parte. Pero creo que no estaba buen hecho, así que algunas transicíones eran poco abruptos. También se rompió la coherencia. Además, mientras esta ciudad tiene razas tan divertidas y culturas tan ricas, la película solo representó una parte muy pequeña. Los americanos africanos y los latinos también forman una gran parte de la populación y la cultura en Nueva York. Sin Embargo, ellos casi no existen en esta película.

En resumen, aunque la película no es tan perfecto hecho como “Paris, je t’aime”, todavia la recomiendo. Creo que es una buen oportunidad para conocer la ciudad y también varios estilos de ese directores. Y sobre todo, como se deifinieron el concepto del “amor”.